A New Birth

"Bloody French."

The lieutenant standing next to me gave me a disapproving look and took a step ahead. I felt the rain start to soak the left side of my jacket. I took another drag and tried to forget what I'd just seen.

"Bloody French."

I muttered again. That drove him off the porch. He walked to the corner, opened a side door and went inside. A truck passed by splashing muddy water over half the porch. I tossed the half finished cigarette into a puddle and stepped out, letting the rain wash away the mud on my loafers. Alexandre stepped out the front door and stopped beside me. The rain didn't seem to bother him. Or maybe it did, but not as much as the stuff out back.

"I assume you have a cigarette, Inspector."

I nodded towards the porch and lit him one. He took a deep one and coughed. We stood watching the streetlights turn on one by one.

"I thought you didn't smoke."

He took a drag and looked up at me. He'd heard what I said, but it hadn't registered. Something in his head had put everything on hold.

"Do you think the Germans will succeed?"

He didn't have to tell me at what. There was only one thing the Germans were working on that anybody would be interested in - immortality, and with it the continuation of our race.

"Most days. But some days I think it wouldn't matter much if they didn't."
"Oui. Today."

I nodded. A neighbour had first alerted the local police. They were both in their seventies, grandparents; very few of them now. The neighbour had seen the wife cover up a hole after digging up a rock in the morning. He'd also seen something else, what looked like a 3 month year old foetus. He'd dismissed it as a trick of the light. But when the husband had come out at noon to dig up the foetus again he'd been a lot closer. He'd called the police immediately.

Mr. Giovanni had been very helpful when the two policemen told him why they were there. He had pointed out the spots in the garden where they were buried. He'd shouted at the first constable who had started to dig up the first with a spade so they'd used their hands after that. Alexandre was called in after they had dug out the third one. They dug up two more in the ten minutes it took us to get here with the lieutenant. I saw two men cry for the first time in twenty years.

"I've asked myself for the last two hours why they would do something like this. I have no answer."
"My wife calls the earth Gaia. She says we are like a virus. That the earth, Gaia, is recovering."
"Your wife is probably right Inspector. Maybe we are, like your wife said, the virus."
"Did Frances call you back?"
"Yes, the nearest research center is seventy kilometers away."

After 2018, birth research centers were the only places you could find foetuses. Unlike most air-borne virus pandemics, the strain-5 pandemic had been quick and painless, and invisible for a long time. Then in 2015, the mutation happened, and gynacoelogists around the world started reporting the complete absence of births.

Governments across the world promised a breakthrough within the year. The year ended without a cure. In early 2017, UN authorized missions to virgin tribes in African and the Nicobar islands found that the mutated strain had reached them long before it reached us. In October 2017, Elena Pavlovna came back to earth after three years on the International Space Station. Her attempts to conceive in space were a failure.

In March 2018, the G-8 and G-15 agreed to an unlimited budget to fund artificial womb research. The virus caused a mother's womb to reject the foetus; artificial wombs promised to be a better surrogate mother. In 2031 the UN cut down this funding to 30 billion GCU annually. Of the five largest institutions still researching artificial wombs in 2032, four had less than a tenth of their research budget allocated to it.

In 2035 the German research company and life service provider, Franz Generics announced stage 2 clinical trials for their Life Extensibility Clinical Program. Liberal news feeds called it a subscription to life, others called it a silver of hope. Birth was a forgotten fairytale.

"Commandant, il veut vous parler."

Alexandre stepped back inside and the lieutenant leaned against the wall. He wiped a damp cuff across his lips. He looked like he'd just finished throwing up. I lit my third one and offered him the pack. His hands were shaking and it took him three tries to get one to light. He drew in a long one and turned to me.

"Bloody French."

I was on my fifth one when Alexandre came back outside. He seemed angry. I saw the old couple at the kitchen table as the door closed behind him.

"He won't say where he got them from. And he wants us to stop digging them up if the rain stops. He says he'll confess to everything if we do that, if we stop digging. I don't know what..."


I handed him the pack of cigarettes and stepped inside. I nodded to the constable standing next to the back door. It was warm and I took my hands out of my jacket. A box of matches dropped to the floor. The couple stopped whispering and old man looked up. His voice was clear, and strong.

"Aucun catridge?"
"Non, ordinaire."

I smoked the old kind, the one that set off smoke detectors. The last officially recorded birth was on February 28th, 2015. Felix Leitner died in a knife fight outside a Detroit gas station in 2030. The youngest person on the planet was killed for a pack of nicotine catridges.

"English?"

I nodded, stepped across the hall to the table and pulled a chair across them. The wife looked down and touched the back of her hand to her eyes. I could see she'd been crying.

"Would you like to talk?"

She nodded and the man patted her hand. I sat down and turned to him.

"Where did they come from? Which hospital?"

The old man took a deep breath.

"They did not come from a hospital. They... they grew."

He made a blooming motion with his fingers. I glanced at the old lady. It couldn't be her.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand. Was someone trying to conceive here?"
"Non non. They grew from the terre.. from the earth."

I started at him stupidly for a moment. He was delusional. Beside him, his wife was looking at me, her eyes searching mine for a glimmer of understanding. They were both delusional. I tried to get up but the old man held my hand. His voice was urgent, almost pleading.

"You have to believe. When the first one came three months ago we thought it was some erreur, or a cruelle joke. Then one came every week, every week for two months. And I watched it every day, the jardin, every day that last month. It was the earth."

I pulled my hand away and stepped back from the table. The constable at the back door started towards us. I knew him from a month or so back; he didn't speak English.

"You don't have to believe us, I'll confess to whatever you want. But them... give them a chance. The sun will kill them. They have to be inside for six more months. This is their... their... "

He faltered as he tried to translate. I knew the word he was looking for.

"...womb."
"Yes, womb. She is their mother."

The old woman took my hand as the constable stepped between us. She spoke one word before the constable gently released her grip.

"Mere Gaia."


The rain had stopped when I stepped out onto the porch. The lieutenant held out the pack. I took one and tried the matches. They were damp. Alexandre held out his cigarette and I lit mine off it.

"Anything?"
"How long before they go to trial?"
"Five, maybe six months."

I let the smoke clear my head before I replied.


Six months later

Franz Generics' Life Extensibility Program failed phase 2 trials. I was on the phone in a run down hotel in London. They'd closed down the runways because of the fog. I had Alexandre on the other end of a bad connection.

"I think... should come down here."
"No flights. The fog is..."
"And while... at it bring..."

I held the phone away as the static crackled.

"You just broke up on me there. What did you want me to bring again?"
"Ten baby bottles."

The Reviews of August

Greetings Noble Associate,

I am sure this letter will find you with good ratings and in high spirits, unless, of course, you had the latest batch of Liquor Chocolates from Manager Argous' desk. I heard that the first ten that did keeled over and died, and were buried after business hours. Rumour has it that some were just asleep, and that a few were dragged kicking and screaming to their graves.

I am aware of your plans for leadership (even the adjustable chairs have ears, my friend). I fault you not since the pay is good and as Cassius always says "Fear ye an associate without aspirations because they are to be you." While I still don't understand what he meant one of my trainees assures me that it is apt in this context.

I write this letter to let you know there is a new teacher in the city. He is Greek, but unlike most Greeks he can be trusted to be discreet. With the right amount of gold that is; that will never change. Please find the details below.

Activity Name: ...........
Start date: ...........
End date: ...........
Facility: ........... ...........

Registration ends on: ........... ...........

ps. I assume you can still work that magic with font size that will allow you to read the above. I still have the microscope that you sent me via inter-office mail. I use it occasionally, to read your letters when I can't find the trainee that you taught the spell to.

Your loyal friend,
Administrator of Training, The Academy

ps. please bury the bearer of this message once he has read the contents to you. You can spare his life if you wish to, but bury him you must. These are dangerous times for an ass without a project.


Notes

I'm getting a lot of emails with "Greetings!" instead of "Hi". Is it Christmas? Or is this what Santa Claus does off-season?

Masters of Bovine Administration

It was a stimulating learning environment. The cow stopped chewing to change cuds. There was a knock on the door and it paused mid-swallow. It wasn't a very easy thing to do; many a cow had choked trying to stop mid-swallow. It could have continued swallowing but a certain intellectual curiosity overrode the lower levels of its Maslow pyramid. Besides, this wasn't going to take much time; after all, it had got where it was by being able to synthesize new knowledge rapidly.

Someone knocked again and the cow resumed chewing. It was committed to learn and excel but it wasn't going to wait around doing nothing till the versatile and stimulating individuals who would contribute actively to the learning process at the other side of the barn door decided to get actively involved in their milieu. So it chewed cud and kept an eye on the door. The door opened slightly and the cow stopped chewing.

It's broad range of personal and professional experiences had taught it that people who are ethically-minded don't step in unannounced, even if the door was unlocked. It scattered the hay at its feet, revealing a panic button. If triggered, it would bring in dogs with strong values and unwavering integrity, led by a rooster who had demonstrated the ability to motivate and orchestrate teams and individuals.

There was a hurried whispering on the other side of the door, and everything was quiet again. The cow usually liked the quiet, it contributed to a rich and stimulating learning environment. But this wasn't the usual quiet. It was more like the calm before the storm, and the cow didn't like storms. Storms made talking difficult and marked for naught it's strong interpersonal skills. It swallowed it's cud and made a mental note to get more cows in the barn before Christmas.

It would be difficult though; most cows preferred to stay out in the meadow instead of coming to the barn to expand their professional horizons. The cow was one of a kind - self-motivated and with solid intellectual ability. It didn't just want to be milked, it wanted to know why. That was a question that drove most cows mad, but maybe it wouldn't have to come to that.

It had been stuck in the barn for two weeks now, with no answer in sight. But it had demonstrated initiative, integrity and strong motivation in academic and professional pursuits, so it knew it had the potential to succeed as a leader in a competitive, global, business environment even if the question remained unanswered.

It inched a hoof towards the panic button. Boards creaked above it. They were on the roof! It pressed the panic button knowing it was too late. It felt their little feet on its hide, smelled the fresh blood staining the hay and heard a soft voice whisper "Beef."

I've Decided to be a Movie Goer

In the beginning there was the screen. The hall was without seats, and blankness was on the face of the screen. Footsteps echoed in the hallways. The Ticket Collector said "Switch off your cell phones please."; and the lights were dimmed. And the Ticket Collector saw that it was good and bought distribution rights. The show was run, but there were no tickets sold, matinee.

The Ticket Collector said, "Let there be arm rests in the hall and let it separate seat from seat"; and it was so. The Ticket Collector sold tickets for the seats. And the Ticket Collector saw that it was good and said "Let there be popcorn stalls and overpriced soda"; and it was so. And the Ticket Collector saw that the popcorn was bland, so he said "Let there be butter." and it was yellow. The show was run, but the hall was empty, first show.

The Ticket collector said "Let the parking lot bring forth people of all kinds." And it was so. And the Ticket Collector gave them stubs, saying "Right side, third door. And fill the halls and tell your friends, but bring no fruits." And the Ticket Collector saw that the hall was full so he said "Let there be a sign"; and a "Sorry, House full" sign was so, second show.

The Ticket Collector said "Let us start the movie after the trailers; and let the people eat their popcorn and drink their soda." and the movie started.

- From the First Book About The Movie


Notes

Be right back. There's a red dude with horns and a pitchfork at the door.

How to Get to Euro Falls

Euro Falls lies halfway between the land of Floop and the castle of Doom. Getting to Euro falls is fraught with peril and may involve loss of life or limb. Usually, only cats and bored octopuses undertake this journey. A few others too have made it to the glittering falls by sacrificing one of their party to the it-that-must-not-be-typed. Read the following instructions by the light of a flickering candle at the sticking back together of dawn.

First, buy a dull blade from your nearest blacksmith. You can either pay him a hundred gold coins to get one, or bet him a blade that he can't sneeze with his eyes open. Next, the dull blade needs to be made into a sharp one with a sandstone of yolk.

To get a sandstone of yolk you need to feed ten pounds of sand to an egg laying hen. Hens don't normally eat sand, so this requires lots of patience. Go to the nearest beach and polish the biggest particles of sand you can find to look like rice. Feed these to the hen and wait till it lays an egg.

Carefully crack open the top of the egg and extract the yolk. The yolk must not touch the egg shell or it will break into little sand particles. Use the yolk to polish the dull blade into a sharp one. Next, obtain a ball of yarn from your nearest weaver.

At the break of dawn, run into the first ray of light. You will now be able to see lightning cats. Tempt the nearest lightning cat closer using the ball of yarn. Then use your blade to cut its tail (this is fine because the tail grows a new cat and the cat grows a new tail - this is how lightning cats multiply), collect the spilt drops of blood and store it directly in the sunlight.

Next, go the darkest corner in your house. Challenge the red ant that you find there to a chess match. Choose white and use your queen to take the black king on your first move. Ants don't know how to play chess, so this is fine. The ant will offer you an orange pip for winning the match. You have exactly one day before the pip turns into a magic pumpkin, so move fast once you have it.

Plant the pip in sawdust and water it with diluted lighting cat blood. The pip will grow into a tree in 3 hours and bear exactly one orange, as wide and tall as a person. Peel the orange and wrap yourself in the peel before the sun goes down.

When you come out of the peel the next day you will have red-colored wings. Fly south and you will come across a flock of ducks flying in the formation of ASCII character 123. Join the flock, and around noon you will come to an orange cloud. Fly to the top of the cloud to reach a place where time runs backwards.

Wait for the year 1780 BC and fly out of the time warp. Below the cloud will be the magical city of Erotop. Go to the center of the city and ask for a hound to take you to Floop. The dog keeper will ask you to choose between a green poodle and a grey hound. Choose the grey hound.

Floop is grey, so buy sticky ash from the stall at the gate and rub it over your clothes to blend in. The land of Floop is guarded by sharp needles who imprison outsiders in a haystack. Also, get an anvil. The hound will stop at the center of Floop and ask you to get off. Drop the anvil but don't get off.

The hound will take a different route back to Erotop, the one that goes by the castle of Doom. Jump off the hound when you see the border - a dotted red line. Wait for darkness to fall. Euro falls will show up in the first light of the third moon rise.

Walk towards the falls. The it-that-must-not-be-typed will stop you at the gate to the lower falls with the words "Your looney or your life." If you are a cat give up one of your nine lives, otherwise give up one of your party. If you are not a cat, or if you don't have a person to spare, challenge the it-that-must-not-be-typed to a duel.

The it-that-must-not-be-typed will cut off one of your limbs. It will then feel bad about it and let you in.

Great Money Making Ideas - Fruit Safaris

All through the year people turn up at farms wanting to look at fruits. Some months, they have a problem. The new generation refuses to understand the concept of blooming and fruit seasons. They seem to think that fruits are costlier out of season because the fruit-making-factories are making in-season fruits. So every year thousands of people land, detrain, and climb out of taxi windows outside farms and then take-off, entrain and sneak back in with a sour-grapes feeling (especially in early June). This travelling band is our target market.

A Fruit Safari will be like a wildlife safari, only safer, because fruits don't bite. Franchises will consist of 10 acre tracts of land with all sorts of fruit trees along the safari route. The crux of the whole thing is the wax substitutes that we will use for out-of-season fruits. This, of course, is going to be a business secret. Our tagline will be "See fruits in their natural habitat." (technically we won't be lying because we haven't said anything about the fruits being natural)

To make the whole safari thing a bit elitist we'll also have the zoo version of the safari - a huge supermarket like area with all sorts of fruits in freezers and little labels with stuff about the fruits on the outside (something simple like - this costs 10 Euros in Greece, or pet snakes can choke on these). So, if you feel like strangling your money purse you can visit the supermarkets, and if you want to live it up you can do the safari.

And just in case someone wants to ah... feel them up we'll be replacing wax fruits by the real thing when they are in season. We'll also have tie-ups with local farmers. They'll run the souvenir shops outside of each safari and sell fruits (they'll have to replace their "out of season" cards to say "out of stock" though). Once The Fruit Safaris become the thing to do we'll also have "Watch a fruit tree grow and bear fruit" shows. We haven't figured out the logistics yet, but a very promising approach involving storks and mirrors is in the works.

If you aren't interested in fruits maybe you'll be interested in our other great money making idea and the answer to the question "What's more fun than watching paint dry?"