How to Get to Euro Falls

Euro Falls lies halfway between the land of Floop and the castle of Doom. Getting to Euro falls is fraught with peril and may involve loss of life or limb. Usually, only cats and bored octopuses undertake this journey. A few others too have made it to the glittering falls by sacrificing one of their party to the it-that-must-not-be-typed. Read the following instructions by the light of a flickering candle at the sticking back together of dawn.

First, buy a dull blade from your nearest blacksmith. You can either pay him a hundred gold coins to get one, or bet him a blade that he can't sneeze with his eyes open. Next, the dull blade needs to be made into a sharp one with a sandstone of yolk.

To get a sandstone of yolk you need to feed ten pounds of sand to an egg laying hen. Hens don't normally eat sand, so this requires lots of patience. Go to the nearest beach and polish the biggest particles of sand you can find to look like rice. Feed these to the hen and wait till it lays an egg.

Carefully crack open the top of the egg and extract the yolk. The yolk must not touch the egg shell or it will break into little sand particles. Use the yolk to polish the dull blade into a sharp one. Next, obtain a ball of yarn from your nearest weaver.

At the break of dawn, run into the first ray of light. You will now be able to see lightning cats. Tempt the nearest lightning cat closer using the ball of yarn. Then use your blade to cut its tail (this is fine because the tail grows a new cat and the cat grows a new tail - this is how lightning cats multiply), collect the spilt drops of blood and store it directly in the sunlight.

Next, go the darkest corner in your house. Challenge the red ant that you find there to a chess match. Choose white and use your queen to take the black king on your first move. Ants don't know how to play chess, so this is fine. The ant will offer you an orange pip for winning the match. You have exactly one day before the pip turns into a magic pumpkin, so move fast once you have it.

Plant the pip in sawdust and water it with diluted lighting cat blood. The pip will grow into a tree in 3 hours and bear exactly one orange, as wide and tall as a person. Peel the orange and wrap yourself in the peel before the sun goes down.

When you come out of the peel the next day you will have red-colored wings. Fly south and you will come across a flock of ducks flying in the formation of ASCII character 123. Join the flock, and around noon you will come to an orange cloud. Fly to the top of the cloud to reach a place where time runs backwards.

Wait for the year 1780 BC and fly out of the time warp. Below the cloud will be the magical city of Erotop. Go to the center of the city and ask for a hound to take you to Floop. The dog keeper will ask you to choose between a green poodle and a grey hound. Choose the grey hound.

Floop is grey, so buy sticky ash from the stall at the gate and rub it over your clothes to blend in. The land of Floop is guarded by sharp needles who imprison outsiders in a haystack. Also, get an anvil. The hound will stop at the center of Floop and ask you to get off. Drop the anvil but don't get off.

The hound will take a different route back to Erotop, the one that goes by the castle of Doom. Jump off the hound when you see the border - a dotted red line. Wait for darkness to fall. Euro falls will show up in the first light of the third moon rise.

Walk towards the falls. The it-that-must-not-be-typed will stop you at the gate to the lower falls with the words "Your looney or your life." If you are a cat give up one of your nine lives, otherwise give up one of your party. If you are not a cat, or if you don't have a person to spare, challenge the it-that-must-not-be-typed to a duel.

The it-that-must-not-be-typed will cut off one of your limbs. It will then feel bad about it and let you in.