The War of Ra

Alexandria on 28-Apr-2010

In what is now being called the War of Ra, the Pharaohs of Egypt dealt a crippling blow to spam by cutting an undersea cable near Alexandria today. Spam lords were left scrambling for red wire and insulation tape after the early morning attacks, masterminded by flying ninjas and coordinated with deadly precision, brought spam to a grinding halt. "The attacks targeted only wires going in one direction, which just blows. People are still replying to older spam and we have our wires down." said one spammer.

The seeds of war were sown late last August when King Butankahem IV hit a flashing monkey with a banana and won 2 free iPods. After he received 2 iPads in early September, the King emailed the monkey demanding an explanation for the typo on the devices. He didn't get one, but a daily deluge of stock tips and [redacted] started later that month. In a rare public display of anger the King vented through his cats. "It was the lies that got to him. Half of them didn't even work!", said one cat who refused to be named.

The exchange took an ugly turn after the King hired the flying ninjas in March. "It was mostly the cost benefit - our offshore delivery centers mean that we don't have to go to our targets - our targets come to us, all expenses paid. Cheaper missions means more missions. We will continue to leverage our global presence and local knowledge to improve and benefit from this spectacular success." read a ninja statement released just after the attack.

While the flashing monkey could not be reached for comment, an animated paper-clip intercepted a mid-noon rant about it all being a giant conspiracy. The giants refused to comment on the allegations, but one of them passed us a handwritten note which when reversed read "siht ni devlovni ton era ew". Readers who have any idea what this means are advised to get in touch with their local news agency.

As the cable continued to leak emails, innocent fish were also caught in the clash of civilizations. After several fish complained of headaches and dizziness European Fish Foundation members powdered aspirin through the night to dump over the cut cable. "E-mail providers reduce the font size before transmitting, to keep the size small. Information overload and small fonts are a deadly combination." said Professor Walton who refused to be named.

On the Gulf shore, thousands of volunteers turned up with buckets, with more expected to come by the 1 pm bus. "We'll need a lot more people to empty all the water. If we don't keep the insulation dry, it won't be long before more water leaks into the internet. One thing we all hate is soggy email." a volunteer told us. At home their better halves hauled desktops and laptops out into the sun to dry up their mailboxes before the first flood of soggy emails. Local supermarkets reported increased dryer sales and stocks of all major fan makers continued to rise through the morning.

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