A Love Story in 1200 dpi

Right in front of the elevator, on the third floor of the Sensible Computing building was a well lit cubicle. Five fluorescent lights smiled brightly and made an effort to cover up for a flickering friend. The printer watched a carpet strip in the corner tend to a dripping water cooler. It was a soggy mess. Why did good carpets always end up with coolers like that?

It spat out a couple of timesheets, and then a blank page to get rid of the taste. Refilled ink was terrible. The human from the other side of the office came and picked up the timesheets. The old printer was probably jammed again. It got to you eventually - all those refilled cartridges, the paper jams, even spilled coffee, if you were really unlucky.

The printer printed a test page before it set itself to standby. Never hurt to keep those print heads clean. Besides, no one noticed a test page now and then. It checked the VOIP lines again. They were still down. It hummed sympathetically at the phone and wondered what it felt like to die every hour. Good thing they didn't have to warm up when they were revived.


The elevator dinged and the human stepped out. The printer had a lot of respect for this human. It seemed genuinely concerned about everything in the cubicle. It came in every day, week after week, and spent hours walking the little pet mouse on the desk or trying to revive the phone when the lines were down.

The printer held a paper guide tensely as the human performed its first trick of the day. It got up from under the desk and drummed a little tune on the keyboard. The computer flickered and came alive. The printer had almost printed a test page in surprise the first day this happened. It had talked with the computer that day, and two times after that. It was beautiful, all those flickering lights, all those colors. The printer sighed and checked its paper tray.

The human picked up the phone and swore. It drummed a little tune on the keyboard and waited. The VOIP lines came back up after an hour. The printer made a note to talk to the keyboard about the drumming. It seemed a useful skill to have. It adjusted another guide and thought about running a flush cycle. It would be noisy, best to wait till everyone was gone.

The human poked the phone and uttered some incantations.

"Hello, is this extension 4578?... Oh yes, I'm calling from Sensible Computing..."

Sometimes the human would end the incantations with "Call me back at 7856" and the phone would ring after some time. The printer had spent a lot of time talking to the phone about this. It had stopped after it realized that the phone had no idea how the trick worked.


The human got out a plastic box and started poking at the green paper inside with a spear. It did this most days around the same time. The human from the other side of the office came over and started talking.

"Did you hear about the new models they're giving out?"
"I thought they wouldn't be in until after Christmas."
"They're already in. That's why I came over. I just sent our names for the first batch. Yaay me!"

The printer warmed up and listened. The humans seemed very excited. Maybe they were going to preheat the paper like they did last winter. It felt sorry for the sheets sometimes, especially the ones that got stuck. Preheating was good - they would get stuck less often.


The printer was checking its ink levels when the elevator dinged. Three humans came out, pushing a trolley with a big box. They entered the cubicle and talked to the human. The human looked at its watch and took the elevator down.

One of the humans in the cubicle went under the table and the monitor went blank. The printer turned up its display brightness and waited. That wasn't supposed to happen until later on in the day. As the printer watched the humans unplugged the computer. They weren't supposed to do that for sure. It had to alert the human. Maybe the phone could help. The human always came running when it rang.

The VOIP lines were down again. Maybe a flush cycle - someone always came when that happened. It started one and waited. A couple of test pages came out. The colored pages started after that. The contrast pages would follow. A human separated from the pack and walked over to the printer. It reached under the desk and everything went blank.


When the printer came up again the old computer was gone. In its place was a shiny new one, with a thinner monitor. The printer spat out blank pages in frustration. Where was the human? It heard footsteps and the human stepped into the cubicle. The printer waited for the it to do a trick and bring the old computer back. But it just shrieked and drummed the new keyboard happily. The printer choked back a page and went into standby. How could it!


The new computer was saying something. It sounded like gibberish. The printer printed out a page with whatever made sense and waited. The human poked the phone.

"Marsha, there's something wrong with the printer. Could you come over and take a look?"

It contemplated spilled coffee. One of the keyboards in maintenance had said that it was very sticky. But anything would be better than this. The elevator dinged and one of the evil humans came out. It took a look at the printed page and reached under the desk.

"The new systems don't work with most of the printers we have right now. I'll take this down and bring up a new model."

Everything went blank again.


When the printer warmed up again it was no longer in the old cubicle. There were two humans talking in the corner.

"I just sent a page. Is it warmed up?"

The printer checked its queue. There was one page to print. It finished the print and slid out a page into the out tray. One of the humans stepped away from the computer and the printer did a double take. It checked its configuration to make sure it wasn't faxing. It was the old computer!