25 Years of Lava Experience

All the coffee filters were little origami paper cranes on the window sill. They had wings now but they were bad at filtering coffee. So Peter Tinn went through the advertisement again while he waited for the freshly ground coffee in his mug to settle. It still said 25 years of Lava experience, so he tried the number at the bottom. It rang once and a number of clicks sounded in quick succession. "Welcome to Sensible Computing. Para Ingles, press 1, for Spanish press 2." Peter pressed 1. There was the sound of a stapler at the other end of the line followed by a small "Ouch." "Hello, did you press something?" "Yes, I pressed 1. This is not an automated response system?" "No sir. Would you like to speak with an automated customer service representative? They just went to have their oil changed but I'm sure there'll be one available shortly." "No, if it's all the same I'd rather talk to a person." "Perfect sir. But I'll have you know that according to the 39th Amendment it's illegal to discriminate based on physiology. So, what can I help you with today?" "Are you the person I should be talking to about the advertisement in today's paper?" "No, but I know people you can talk to about that. You'll hear some clicks now. Please do not be alarmed." Three clicks sounded. A very hesitant beep followed them over the line. "Hi! I'm Sandy. Should I call you John, Smith or Custard?" "Pete, you can call me Pete." "Hello Mr. Pete. I'll have you know that we're recording this call for the folks over at Quality. It'll be erased as soon as this call is over, so if you want a copy, make sure you press 1 at the end to leave a mailing address. Sensible Computing is committed to maintaining the privacy of its callers and its employees." "Er... ok. That's a bit uh... weird." "Thank you Mr. Pete. We were on the Zorbe's list of the top 100 weirdest companies last year." "Uh... ok. So... it's about your ad in the paper this morning." "And you're calling from?" "Shilling, Old York." "I see Mr. Pete. And what day is it there?" "Day? Sunday, August first... 2010." "Ah yes, 25 years of Lava experience?" "No, 5 years. But there's no way anyone could have 25 years of Lava experience now. Lava 1.0 was released in 2002." "You are right, Mr. Pete. But would you be interested in working for a Lava project in 2040? I'm sure you'll have more than our required minimum if you keep at it." "Yeah, but.. wait... what!? 2040?" "Hold on a minute Mr. Pete. I think it will be better if I transfer you to the amazing extension of our incredible workforce manager. You'll hear some clicks now. Please do not be alarmed." A click sounded and Pete started getting alarmed. There was something eminently alarmable about the way this call was going. Another click sounded and there was a hiss at the other end of the line; the hairs at the back of his neck thought very seriously about standing up. "Can I call you Misssterrr Ssscotttt?" "I think it would be better if you call me Pete. Why are you talking like a snake?" "It's talk-like-a-snake day today. I can get a real one on the line if you want. They just went out to shed their skins. But I'll have you know that discrimination based on physiology.... " "...violates the 39th Amendment. I know that uh... what do I call you?" "Oh yes. I know this one! I know this one! Don't hang up Mr. Pete. All our customer service representatives are shedding their skins or checking the manual. And also, your call is important to us... except when there is a fire drill." There was the sound of rapid typing, drawers being pulled open and a chair being pushed back. "Mr. Pete! Mr. Pete! I seem to have left my manual at home. I'll go get a spare one from our office downstairs. I'll put on some music. At Sensible Computing our customers always come first and some of our employees are very good cheerleaders." Beethoven's Ninth started playing. There was the sound of footsteps and the phone was picked up again. "Hello Mr. Pete. Are you still there?" "Yes." "Ok. I was just checking. Sometimes people drop off and I don't have to go all the way down. Obviously you're not one of them." The music built to a crescendo as the sound of footsteps receded. Pete eyed the origami cranes guarding the window. Elephants. That's what he should have done with the advertisement. An origami elephant wouldn't have gone down to get a spare manual from the office. In fact, they'd have kept the cranes company. Didn't cranes clean elephant tusks or something? No, that was crocodiles. Crocodiles cleaned elephant tusks. "Mr. Pete! Mr. Pete! I found it! Wait... yes. Here it is. The appropriate response in this situation is - you can call me what you want." "Jane maybe? Would that be fine?" "I guess." The voice sounded a little downcast. "Would you like me to call you something else?" "Well... Cinderella would be nice." "Cinderella?" "Yeah, like in the story. She was this..." "Yeah ok. I know the story. I'll call you Cinderella then. So... uh. I read your ad, the one with the 25 years of Lava experience in today's paper... August 1st 2010 and then I got Sandy who said something about this starting only in 2040 and then I got transferred here... so here I am. And now I have no idea what any of this is about." "That's easy Mr. Pete. We're looking to outsource some of our work to an offtime resource. There's this project that's due next month and our janitor figured out it's 2 months behind schedule. We can get back on track if you join us a year back. So send us your resume and I'll run it through the system. It's recruiting@sensiblecomputing.net." "This is all a little... I just sent my resume. But this is some joke, right? Or is this part of your screening process?" "Great Mr. Pete. I just got it and the system says you'll be perfect. See you in 2039 then! You have a nice day and if you have any trouble just check if the power cable is plugged in." The line clicked two times and went dead. Pete tried the number again but the phone company informed him in morse that that number no longer existed. He checked the coffee sludge at the bottom of the mug. It looked like coffee. Maybe it was some sort of caffeine overdose then. 29 years later The phone picked up the mail and rolled back into the living room. It shredded the fliers, filed away some coupons and dropped the rest of the mail on the coffee table. Then it rang. It thought for a while and let the voicemessenger take it. "Hello, this is Sandy from Sensible Computing. Please do not be alarmed. I'm calling for Mr. Peter Tinn." "Mr. Peter Tinn is on vacation right now. If this is from Sensible Computing, Mr. Peter Tinn told to let you know that he's not taking any new Lava projects right now. Tinn's Origami is still taking orders though. For origami elephants please press..." "Do they know Lava?" "I'm sure they don't but you could try teaching them." "Great, I'll take five of the elephants then." Notes All companies and languages above are fictional. Please don’t bother applying for Lava opportunities at Sensible Computing this week. Any resemblance to an actual company, language or job opportunity is mostly prophetic and vaguely unintentional.

A Love Story in 1200 dpi

Right in front of the elevator, on the third floor of the Sensible Computing building was a well lit cubicle. Five fluorescent lights smiled brightly and made an effort to cover up for a flickering friend. The printer watched a carpet strip in the corner tend to a dripping water cooler. It was a soggy mess. Why did good carpets always end up with coolers like that?

It spat out a couple of timesheets, and then a blank page to get rid of the taste. Refilled ink was terrible. The human from the other side of the office came and picked up the timesheets. The old printer was probably jammed again. It got to you eventually - all those refilled cartridges, the paper jams, even spilled coffee, if you were really unlucky.

The printer printed a test page before it set itself to standby. Never hurt to keep those print heads clean. Besides, no one noticed a test page now and then. It checked the VOIP lines again. They were still down. It hummed sympathetically at the phone and wondered what it felt like to die every hour. Good thing they didn't have to warm up when they were revived.


The elevator dinged and the human stepped out. The printer had a lot of respect for this human. It seemed genuinely concerned about everything in the cubicle. It came in every day, week after week, and spent hours walking the little pet mouse on the desk or trying to revive the phone when the lines were down.

The printer held a paper guide tensely as the human performed its first trick of the day. It got up from under the desk and drummed a little tune on the keyboard. The computer flickered and came alive. The printer had almost printed a test page in surprise the first day this happened. It had talked with the computer that day, and two times after that. It was beautiful, all those flickering lights, all those colors. The printer sighed and checked its paper tray.

The human picked up the phone and swore. It drummed a little tune on the keyboard and waited. The VOIP lines came back up after an hour. The printer made a note to talk to the keyboard about the drumming. It seemed a useful skill to have. It adjusted another guide and thought about running a flush cycle. It would be noisy, best to wait till everyone was gone.

The human poked the phone and uttered some incantations.

"Hello, is this extension 4578?... Oh yes, I'm calling from Sensible Computing..."

Sometimes the human would end the incantations with "Call me back at 7856" and the phone would ring after some time. The printer had spent a lot of time talking to the phone about this. It had stopped after it realized that the phone had no idea how the trick worked.


The human got out a plastic box and started poking at the green paper inside with a spear. It did this most days around the same time. The human from the other side of the office came over and started talking.

"Did you hear about the new models they're giving out?"
"I thought they wouldn't be in until after Christmas."
"They're already in. That's why I came over. I just sent our names for the first batch. Yaay me!"

The printer warmed up and listened. The humans seemed very excited. Maybe they were going to preheat the paper like they did last winter. It felt sorry for the sheets sometimes, especially the ones that got stuck. Preheating was good - they would get stuck less often.


The printer was checking its ink levels when the elevator dinged. Three humans came out, pushing a trolley with a big box. They entered the cubicle and talked to the human. The human looked at its watch and took the elevator down.

One of the humans in the cubicle went under the table and the monitor went blank. The printer turned up its display brightness and waited. That wasn't supposed to happen until later on in the day. As the printer watched the humans unplugged the computer. They weren't supposed to do that for sure. It had to alert the human. Maybe the phone could help. The human always came running when it rang.

The VOIP lines were down again. Maybe a flush cycle - someone always came when that happened. It started one and waited. A couple of test pages came out. The colored pages started after that. The contrast pages would follow. A human separated from the pack and walked over to the printer. It reached under the desk and everything went blank.


When the printer came up again the old computer was gone. In its place was a shiny new one, with a thinner monitor. The printer spat out blank pages in frustration. Where was the human? It heard footsteps and the human stepped into the cubicle. The printer waited for the it to do a trick and bring the old computer back. But it just shrieked and drummed the new keyboard happily. The printer choked back a page and went into standby. How could it!


The new computer was saying something. It sounded like gibberish. The printer printed out a page with whatever made sense and waited. The human poked the phone.

"Marsha, there's something wrong with the printer. Could you come over and take a look?"

It contemplated spilled coffee. One of the keyboards in maintenance had said that it was very sticky. But anything would be better than this. The elevator dinged and one of the evil humans came out. It took a look at the printed page and reached under the desk.

"The new systems don't work with most of the printers we have right now. I'll take this down and bring up a new model."

Everything went blank again.


When the printer warmed up again it was no longer in the old cubicle. There were two humans talking in the corner.

"I just sent a page. Is it warmed up?"

The printer checked its queue. There was one page to print. It finished the print and slid out a page into the out tray. One of the humans stepped away from the computer and the printer did a double take. It checked its configuration to make sure it wasn't faxing. It was the old computer!