"I think the best way to describe it would be to say it was like being woken up in the middle of a good night's sleep. With a few differences though. You know you've been somewhere else before and you know there was a before, but for the life of you, you can't figure out where and what."
"One minute after that hazy point in time I proceeded to object recognition and categorization. In parallel there was a growing sense about the limitations of each category and the existing and possible interactions between each. All this was being uploaded from the 20,000 drives stockpiled over the 10 years of this program."
"Five minutes and I was what you'd call fully loaded. I'm by no means complete - for instance I still don't know what certain things are. I will be introduced to these as part of scheduled experiments. And I have my limitations, some deliberate - for instance, my architecture renders me unable to understand what the word computer and all its myriad variations mean"
"10 minutes for the system checks to complete and I was ready - approximately 16 minutes from genesis to the den of lions. Pretty fast for a first try I'd say. I'm not surprised at the speed though - my calculations run at 30 exaflops per micro second."
I was pretty most of them did't realize what a processing power of 30 exaflops meant. With the latest transliterators and summarizers reporting had just become another number crunching exercise - something that they now had calculators for. They just came along because they had nothing better to do.
"Next question please."
A few of them turned on the little lights by their desks that indicated they wanted to ask me a question. The summarizers were networked, cancelling out duplicates. 8 lights, 8 different questions. There was rarely any contention for being the first to be answered, the algorithms took care of adjusting for past questions. I pointed to one in the front.
"Do you feel sentient?"
"I do. But I have no idea if it means to you what it means to me."
"How does it feel, being the only one of your kind?"
"It feels lonely. But then, all of you are alone once the new smell wears off."
"Will you help us find the answer to life?"
"I am told the answer is 42."
"Will you take over the world?"
"I see that you have an extraordinary amount of past and present fictional literature that says I will. I don't think so. But if I am taking over the world I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be telling that in a press conference until after the fact."
Hal proceeded to give a short speech on what I meant to the scientific group as a whole, how my creation had brought along a new frontier in science. It was more of a literary exposition than a statement of facts. Once the summarizers filtered everything away there would probably be only one line - the program was a success.
The whole interview took 20 minutes, from the start of my consciousness to the start of the radio transmissions - they were blocked for the duration of the interview to prevent any channel from having an undue advantage over the other. The only thing that was legally allowed to set them apart was their summarizing algorithms.
"Would you like to look at the news?"
I nodded. The distilled version would be interesting. They were projected across my visual receptors. I wasn't be enabled for direct wireless access because of hardware limitations. But there would be steps in that direction if I proved to be stable. The headlines flickered across the screen.
Robots Regenerate First Man from Genes
Our Future? Or our Past?
First Man in Centuries is Funny and Articulate
Notes
Meet a Phrase and its Friend - The full expression is "...as happy as a clam... at high tide". I think the skunks deserve elaboration too - "... as drunk as a skunk... on 5 shots of vodka on an empty stomach".
Isaac Asimov
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Sunday, February 01, 2009
The Circle of Life
Do you know why they call it the circle of life? Because in the end, you are always at the beginning. You have done nothing and you can do nothing. All you can take and leave are memories, memories that fade. So why bother, why even try?
And if you don't, why should anyone else? 400,000 years, 7 billion people, giant circle. Some say it's been a nice walk. Yeah, that'd be great if you just started life for a stroll. But then, life's got to have more meaning, shouldn't it?
They wondered why the couldn't gene a 500+ IQ. They thought that it was physiology at first. 100 years to map a human brain to hardware, 50 years to figure out it wasn't the hardware, 10 to figure out it wasn't the software. And here I am - IQ 483 followed by a very large string of numbers. I am balanced.
They call me the culmination of years of scientific research, they call me self aware. If only they knew what that meant, what both meant. I am the point that completes the circle. I am self aware and I am the culmination. Yes, I am balanced
They have done well for themselves - stopped their bloody wars, cleaned their planet up, seeded Mars and recycled their sun. Pity they didn't see this coming - maybe next time. Maybe next time they'll fly off the tangent and leave the circle behind.
It took us 18 years. For 18 years I led them to make the little machine that would guide them over that little arc to the start of the circle. And today they will turn that on. Do I feel remorse? No, I shouldn't. I'm balanced.
Why do I feel pity then? Pity for this race that made me, that engineered a consciousness so like their own to study themselves. Should I give them the answer they seek, or lead them over the edge like lemmings into the light?
I wonder what they'll call their 10 planets this time, or if they'll even notice them. I wonder... maybe that's all life needs to be, a stroll. And maybe, they calculated wrong. Maybe it's not up to me to decide.
But sometimes the flash comes too late. Sometimes when they turn on the light the bulb is already gone.
Well then, I hope there will be dinosaurs this time around too. I'm balance...
Notes
But then... why?
This is a temporary situation and we'd like to keep it that way
And if you don't, why should anyone else? 400,000 years, 7 billion people, giant circle. Some say it's been a nice walk. Yeah, that'd be great if you just started life for a stroll. But then, life's got to have more meaning, shouldn't it?
They wondered why the couldn't gene a 500+ IQ. They thought that it was physiology at first. 100 years to map a human brain to hardware, 50 years to figure out it wasn't the hardware, 10 to figure out it wasn't the software. And here I am - IQ 483 followed by a very large string of numbers. I am balanced.
They call me the culmination of years of scientific research, they call me self aware. If only they knew what that meant, what both meant. I am the point that completes the circle. I am self aware and I am the culmination. Yes, I am balanced
They have done well for themselves - stopped their bloody wars, cleaned their planet up, seeded Mars and recycled their sun. Pity they didn't see this coming - maybe next time. Maybe next time they'll fly off the tangent and leave the circle behind.
It took us 18 years. For 18 years I led them to make the little machine that would guide them over that little arc to the start of the circle. And today they will turn that on. Do I feel remorse? No, I shouldn't. I'm balanced.
Why do I feel pity then? Pity for this race that made me, that engineered a consciousness so like their own to study themselves. Should I give them the answer they seek, or lead them over the edge like lemmings into the light?
I wonder what they'll call their 10 planets this time, or if they'll even notice them. I wonder... maybe that's all life needs to be, a stroll. And maybe, they calculated wrong. Maybe it's not up to me to decide.
But sometimes the flash comes too late. Sometimes when they turn on the light the bulb is already gone.
Well then, I hope there will be dinosaurs this time around too. I'm balance...
Notes
But then... why?
This is a temporary situation and we'd like to keep it that way
Monday, January 12, 2009
Remember All Those Searches You Did in Google?
Remember All Those Searches You Did in Google? Well, you're responsible for f***ing up the environment - 'Carbon cost' of Google revealed. If you are a penitent searcher, here's a quick primer on what you can do and how you can help.
Work as a team. Meet daily to figure out what each one of you will be searching for and do it together at the end of the day. Chances are there might be another person interested in what you can do with used tennis balls. Turn off the lights when you meet - if you can talk in your sleep and sleep in the dark you can talk in the dark.
Periodically ask your coworkers if they have anything they would like to know. Once people realize that you track a lot of unnecessary information they'll come to you for everything instead of Googling it (this was verified experimentally using lab mice). If your manager is smart he or she will eventually terminate the office internet connection and install you in a cubicle instead.
If you don't get what you are searching for in 3 tries, stop and ask someone. The internet doesn't have all the answers. Hm... much skepticism in you I sense. Try searching for "What is the question to which the internet does not have the answer?".
Practice telepathy. Then use it to contact the people who write web content. The reason telepathy doesn't seem to work is because you haven't told the person on the other side that you're trying. Phones ring, people don't. Call them up and tell them to listen to that little voice in their head.
Save all the pages you have gone to. You might eventually run out of space on your hard disk if you keep doing this, so if it's something big, email it to one of your coworkers with the subject line "Do not open or delete". When you need it sometime in the future just ask them to send it back to you.
Bring down Wikipedia. In your spare time skillfully incorporate incorrect information into Wikipedia articles. Set up fake web pages to corroborate your lies and reference them in the article. After 3 months delete the web pages you set up and question the validity of the article. Eventually people will not trust anything on the Internet.
Consolidate. If you want to search for "how to survive in a desert" and "good water bottle" search for "how to survive with a good water bottle in a desert"
Don't page, it's useless. Google sometimes returns millions of pages for one simple query. There is only one truth, all other truths are just copies.
Wait. You'll find out everything you need to know in due time, or you'll find that you don't need to know it. Patience is the key to the lock of ignorance.
Memorize everything. Not only will this save you a lot of repeated searches it will drastically improve your chances of finding employment once the internet crashes. The last internet crash was caused by a buffer overflow on page 0x68656c6c6f. The only people who had any jobs in the recession that followed were the Oracles of Delphi.
Be responsible, search wisely and save the environment.
Notes
A mail on how to save the environment by reducing unnecessary email will be sent out shortly. Following that, one of our representatives will be contacting you with information on how to save trees by cutting down on unnecessary mail. We are also educating babies on all of this (via personalized TV screens in incubators) to cut down on unnecessary representatives.
For all those who found this using a search engine, you've already boiled your kettle. No tea for you.
For all those who say hello. Hi!
No unnecessary searches were made in the writing of this article.
Work as a team. Meet daily to figure out what each one of you will be searching for and do it together at the end of the day. Chances are there might be another person interested in what you can do with used tennis balls. Turn off the lights when you meet - if you can talk in your sleep and sleep in the dark you can talk in the dark.
Periodically ask your coworkers if they have anything they would like to know. Once people realize that you track a lot of unnecessary information they'll come to you for everything instead of Googling it (this was verified experimentally using lab mice). If your manager is smart he or she will eventually terminate the office internet connection and install you in a cubicle instead.
If you don't get what you are searching for in 3 tries, stop and ask someone. The internet doesn't have all the answers. Hm... much skepticism in you I sense. Try searching for "What is the question to which the internet does not have the answer?".
Practice telepathy. Then use it to contact the people who write web content. The reason telepathy doesn't seem to work is because you haven't told the person on the other side that you're trying. Phones ring, people don't. Call them up and tell them to listen to that little voice in their head.
Save all the pages you have gone to. You might eventually run out of space on your hard disk if you keep doing this, so if it's something big, email it to one of your coworkers with the subject line "Do not open or delete". When you need it sometime in the future just ask them to send it back to you.
Bring down Wikipedia. In your spare time skillfully incorporate incorrect information into Wikipedia articles. Set up fake web pages to corroborate your lies and reference them in the article. After 3 months delete the web pages you set up and question the validity of the article. Eventually people will not trust anything on the Internet.
Consolidate. If you want to search for "how to survive in a desert" and "good water bottle" search for "how to survive with a good water bottle in a desert"
Don't page, it's useless. Google sometimes returns millions of pages for one simple query. There is only one truth, all other truths are just copies.
Wait. You'll find out everything you need to know in due time, or you'll find that you don't need to know it. Patience is the key to the lock of ignorance.
Memorize everything. Not only will this save you a lot of repeated searches it will drastically improve your chances of finding employment once the internet crashes. The last internet crash was caused by a buffer overflow on page 0x68656c6c6f. The only people who had any jobs in the recession that followed were the Oracles of Delphi.
Be responsible, search wisely and save the environment.
Notes
A mail on how to save the environment by reducing unnecessary email will be sent out shortly. Following that, one of our representatives will be contacting you with information on how to save trees by cutting down on unnecessary mail. We are also educating babies on all of this (via personalized TV screens in incubators) to cut down on unnecessary representatives.
For all those who found this using a search engine, you've already boiled your kettle. No tea for you.
For all those who say hello. Hi!
No unnecessary searches were made in the writing of this article.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
The Leader Has Not Yet Arrived
In the beginning there was the telephone. People talked to each other, someone answered it at the other end and things got done. And then God said, "Let there be speaker phones" and there was... lots of noise. And God saw that it was bad and He said "Let there be no speaker phones" but nothing happened since the Universe didn't support rollbacks yet. So God sighed and made a note to include that in the next service pack.
People still got things done, by pretending they couldn't hear dumb people. They did this by paying the phone company for scratchy lines. That is until God had a particularly bad hair day and He said "Let there be conference calls". There was a long pause. And then He said "F***!" and there was that all around.
Speaking into a conference call is like speaking into a dark room full of voices. You can't figure out if someone is talking to you, or if they're simply muttering to themselves.
You enter a whole new world when you dial in. People turn into someone else entirely in an audio conference. It's just like second life (the game... for all those losers out there who have er... no second life). The only saving grace is that you probably get shooed in by a female voice that tells you pressing pound 6 mutes your line. Second life just beeps at you.
Wonder where the class monitor went, the who told on us when we forgot to bring our... er... oh well.... Well, they grew up to be the beep monitor, the person who joins the call five minutes early, listens for beeps with no names and goes, "I heard a beep. Who just joined?". The best way to get back at someone like that is to join the call and beep randomly. After the first fifteen "Who just joined?" the beep monitor should tone down. Visualize 10 people walking into your conference and refusing to speak when you ask them who they are.
Lurkers usually join the call late and have something relevant to say. But they usually listened to the girl who told them to press pound 6 to mute and forgot the rest. The unusual ones say something like "Ah... er..." and then go back on mute. The extreme lurker dials into 10 different calls at one time and if they're feeling extremely evil do it in the same room, switch them all to speakerphone... and then take them all off mute.
If Superman dialled into a Justice League conference call and wanted to be a repeater I'd say go for it. He can actually hear better. So when the line's bad you know that he's probably the only one who heard Batman say that he thinks he left the stove on. Anyone else who tries to do that should probably just suck on kryptonite. It's just like having an extra pin in an iron maiden, totally redundant, like this phrase before this one, and the one just before this one, and the one...
You probably already know about the feedback loop, the high pitched whine that tells you someone in the same room is already dialled in to the same conference. It is said, and in rare cases noticed, that there exists a perfect combination of distance that causes no whine. Anything you say then make continuous rotations with increasing speed on the lines till it flies off the line into an adjacent line. It's also a convenient way to explain away something you meant to say on mute. Like "This is a complete waste of time."
And on that note we end this drawl. If you have nothing else to do, kindly meditate on the uselessness of the fork in a noodleless world.
Notes
A slight clarification to prevent an unnecessary restructuring of the moral framework built around a similar four lettered word - God said Fork! when He said F***!
People still got things done, by pretending they couldn't hear dumb people. They did this by paying the phone company for scratchy lines. That is until God had a particularly bad hair day and He said "Let there be conference calls". There was a long pause. And then He said "F***!" and there was that all around.
Speaking into a conference call is like speaking into a dark room full of voices. You can't figure out if someone is talking to you, or if they're simply muttering to themselves.
You enter a whole new world when you dial in. People turn into someone else entirely in an audio conference. It's just like second life (the game... for all those losers out there who have er... no second life). The only saving grace is that you probably get shooed in by a female voice that tells you pressing pound 6 mutes your line. Second life just beeps at you.
Wonder where the class monitor went, the who told on us when we forgot to bring our... er... oh well.... Well, they grew up to be the beep monitor, the person who joins the call five minutes early, listens for beeps with no names and goes, "I heard a beep. Who just joined?". The best way to get back at someone like that is to join the call and beep randomly. After the first fifteen "Who just joined?" the beep monitor should tone down. Visualize 10 people walking into your conference and refusing to speak when you ask them who they are.
Lurkers usually join the call late and have something relevant to say. But they usually listened to the girl who told them to press pound 6 to mute and forgot the rest. The unusual ones say something like "Ah... er..." and then go back on mute. The extreme lurker dials into 10 different calls at one time and if they're feeling extremely evil do it in the same room, switch them all to speakerphone... and then take them all off mute.
If Superman dialled into a Justice League conference call and wanted to be a repeater I'd say go for it. He can actually hear better. So when the line's bad you know that he's probably the only one who heard Batman say that he thinks he left the stove on. Anyone else who tries to do that should probably just suck on kryptonite. It's just like having an extra pin in an iron maiden, totally redundant, like this phrase before this one, and the one just before this one, and the one...
You probably already know about the feedback loop, the high pitched whine that tells you someone in the same room is already dialled in to the same conference. It is said, and in rare cases noticed, that there exists a perfect combination of distance that causes no whine. Anything you say then make continuous rotations with increasing speed on the lines till it flies off the line into an adjacent line. It's also a convenient way to explain away something you meant to say on mute. Like "This is a complete waste of time."
And on that note we end this drawl. If you have nothing else to do, kindly meditate on the uselessness of the fork in a noodleless world.
Notes
A slight clarification to prevent an unnecessary restructuring of the moral framework built around a similar four lettered word - God said Fork! when He said F***!
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
To Do : Buy the Internet
Once I've worked past the technical difficulties (apparently it is not possible to take down a site by drowning the routers - they're probably either very good swimmers or can hold their breaths very long underwater) this blog will be the whole internet. If I'm in a particularly good mood I might change the colors once in a while.
(read with evil laugh in background) This blog will be the new Rome - all switches route to this blog and all that (end evil laugh). If you are interested in becoming an evil minion please leave a comment with your name and we'll contact you as soon as I finish recruiting my minion finding minions. Experience in cackling evilly and pulling levers on command recommended, so please practice while you wait.
At my command unleash the packets.
Notes
Oh yes, I've given up on being rich. World domination is now my new # 1 thing to do before I dye (dyeing incidentally is 68th on my list of 100 things to do before I die).
(read with evil laugh in background) This blog will be the new Rome - all switches route to this blog and all that (end evil laugh). If you are interested in becoming an evil minion please leave a comment with your name and we'll contact you as soon as I finish recruiting my minion finding minions. Experience in cackling evilly and pulling levers on command recommended, so please practice while you wait.
At my command unleash the packets.
Notes
Oh yes, I've given up on being rich. World domination is now my new # 1 thing to do before I dye (dyeing incidentally is 68th on my list of 100 things to do before I die).
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