Remember All Those Searches You Did in Google?

Remember All Those Searches You Did in Google? Well, you're responsible for f***ing up the environment - 'Carbon cost' of Google revealed. If you are a penitent searcher, here's a quick primer on what you can do and how you can help.

Work as a team. Meet daily to figure out what each one of you will be searching for and do it together at the end of the day. Chances are there might be another person interested in what you can do with used tennis balls. Turn off the lights when you meet - if you can talk in your sleep and sleep in the dark you can talk in the dark.

Periodically ask your coworkers if they have anything they would like to know. Once people realize that you track a lot of unnecessary information they'll come to you for everything instead of Googling it (this was verified experimentally using lab mice). If your manager is smart he or she will eventually terminate the office internet connection and install you in a cubicle instead.

If you don't get what you are searching for in 3 tries, stop and ask someone. The internet doesn't have all the answers. Hm... much skepticism in you I sense. Try searching for "What is the question to which the internet does not have the answer?".

Practice telepathy. Then use it to contact the people who write web content. The reason telepathy doesn't seem to work is because you haven't told the person on the other side that you're trying. Phones ring, people don't. Call them up and tell them to listen to that little voice in their head.

Save all the pages you have gone to. You might eventually run out of space on your hard disk if you keep doing this, so if it's something big, email it to one of your coworkers with the subject line "Do not open or delete". When you need it sometime in the future just ask them to send it back to you.

Bring down Wikipedia. In your spare time skillfully incorporate incorrect information into Wikipedia articles. Set up fake web pages to corroborate your lies and reference them in the article. After 3 months delete the web pages you set up and question the validity of the article. Eventually people will not trust anything on the Internet.

Consolidate. If you want to search for "how to survive in a desert" and "good water bottle" search for "how to survive with a good water bottle in a desert"

Don't page, it's useless. Google sometimes returns millions of pages for one simple query. There is only one truth, all other truths are just copies.

Wait. You'll find out everything you need to know in due time, or you'll find that you don't need to know it. Patience is the key to the lock of ignorance.

Memorize everything. Not only will this save you a lot of repeated searches it will drastically improve your chances of finding employment once the internet crashes. The last internet crash was caused by a buffer overflow on page 0x68656c6c6f. The only people who had any jobs in the recession that followed were the Oracles of Delphi.

Be responsible, search wisely and save the environment.


Notes

A mail on how to save the environment by reducing unnecessary email will be sent out shortly. Following that, one of our representatives will be contacting you with information on how to save trees by cutting down on unnecessary mail. We are also educating babies on all of this (via personalized TV screens in incubators) to cut down on unnecessary representatives.

For all those who found this using a search engine, you've already boiled your kettle. No tea for you.

For all those who say hello. Hi!

No unnecessary searches were made in the writing of this article.